The Self-Esteem of a Chronically Ill Person
I’ve always dealt with self-esteem and confidence issues. The topic isn’t new to me, but ever since becoming chronically ill, it’s brought out new self-esteem issues I didn’t really know existed.
Self-esteem around family and friends
Since I’m literally always in pain, it’s kind of hard to avoid my friends and family seeing me in pain. I always find myself trying to minimize how bad it is around other people though, because I don’t want others to see me in a totally vulnerable state. I try my best to not complain and make a big deal out of whatever I’m going through, even if I’m in a lot of pain.
A reason I think I do this is that I don’t want to explain what’s going on to everyone all the time. It’s very hard to find people that understand that I’m always in pain, and sometimes explaining that to others is more of a lost cause.
I always feel like I’m not like everyone else, and the only way to feel that way is to keep most of my chronic illness issues to myself when around other people. In reality, that’s the opposite of what we should be doing as chronically ill people. The only way to make these diseases more “normal” is to raise awareness and talk about them all the time.
Confidence being sick in public
Something that I noticed pretty much right away when the symptoms first came on is the fact that I try to hide my illness when I’m out in public. I wasn’t doing it consciously, but I was still doing it. I don’t like extra attention being brought to me.
When I would go to the doctor’s office every week or two, I would catch myself not limping around as much as I did at home. I think I subconsciously wanted to pretend like nothing was wrong with me in the sight of other people. This is part of the reason why I still haven’t mustered up the courage to use my cane in public yet.
Using my cane
Sometimes when I’m out in public, I’ll see a younger person using a cane or mobility device. My instant reaction is that they’re so brave and strong for actually using them in public.
Something that I’m not confident enough to do yet. I was at a concert once during a particularly bad flare (not a great idea to be standing for hours during a flare), and I had wanted to bring my cane, but ultimately decided not to. While I was there, I saw a girl around my age that was using a cane, and I suddenly felt embarrassed for not having the guts to use mine.
Seeing people that do this gives me hope though, that someday, we can all just be ourselves, sick or healthy, and use whatever we feel comfortable with needing in public. Someday I hope to build the confidence that girl at the concert had.
I'm working on it
I’m not exactly close to being totally comfortable with being my sick, true self in front of everyone yet. What are some of the things that you do or have done to make this transition easier in your day to day life, and what has helped the most?
Do you use the word disability to describe your AS?