Losing a Close Friend Due to My Illness

By Steff Di Pardo

3 min read

I’ve written about this topic before, but it still hurts like hell to write about. It hurts to think about. I don’t think losing a friend due to my illness will ever not hurt. The way it happened this time hurt the most out of any of them. My “friend” was extremely ableist to me.

It was out of nowhere

It’s no secret to anyone that the past year of my life has been the hardest health-wise. I’ve been more fatigued than I ever was in the first 4 years of my illness. Sometimes I have trouble breathing due to how tired I am. I’ll walk up a few stairs and be out of breath.

Obviously, when things aren’t going well, I want to vent. I need people to rely on because if I have no one, I might lose my mind. I always turn to a close friend to vent about how frustrating it is being sick. Someone I thought was a close friend, at least.

Things were going seemingly fine, with the occasional ignored message here and there, but I really didn’t see this coming at all. One night last week, I got a message that looked like an essay.

It was extremely ableist

The words that I read on my screen made me instantly burst out into tears. I was lucky to have my boyfriend by my side when I opened this text, otherwise, I would have spiraled.

“I feel like I can’t relate to you because every day it just seems like you tell me how tired you are and how much pain you’re in”

Now don’t get me wrong, I understand that it’s harder for able-bodied people to relate and understand what we’re going through. I get it. What I don’t understand is how that can affect someone so much that they don’t want to be friends anymore.

“I agree with the fact that you shouldn’t let it control your life and prevent you from living and it seems like all I hear about is how you can’t do this or that”

This is what really hurt me. The comments about how I shouldn’t let my disability control my life. It hurt so much because I had recently opened up to this friend about how I’ve needed help bathing for the past 5 months of my life. Of course I'm going to be depressed that I can’t do certain things anymore. Who wouldn’t be?

I know some people will be thinking “well, just don’t be so negative, don’t talk about it”, but that’s not who I am or who I want to be. I want to be able to open up to my friends about how I’m truly feeling, and I don’t like hiding things from the people I love. I want to talk about it because this has been the hardest year of my life, and hiding how I’m feeling would impact my mental health too much.

“I feel like I also try to help you but you don’t actually take the advice or suggestions I give”

I wanted to touch on this because no one HAS to take the advice people give them. As a disabled person, hearing someone’s able-bodied advice sometimes just isn’t what I need, or something that is even possible. This wasn’t fair of them to say to me.

I learned that this wasn’t a true friend

What was really mind-blowing to me was the fact that I’d talked to this person every day for over 2 years. They knew about my ups and downs and how much being disabled impacted me mentally and physically. Yet they still chose to say these things to me.

I know now that this friend wasn’t worth crying over, but it still hurts me to my core. It’s going to take a while to get over. I never expected this ableist language to be said to me by a friend. Never.

I have enough internalized ableism to get through, I sure as hell don’t need outwards ableism from someone I called my best friend.

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The AxialSpondyloarthritis.net team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

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maisi Member
<inline-mention username="Steff Di Pardo" user-id="2109129"/> My longest friendship...partners through graduate school and internship and solid professional colleagues. Her: "we think of you and David as family," supported her family deaths (5, 3 of which were traumatic), made it through her relocation 2 hrs away for 5 years, her 3 unexpected/unplanned pregnancies (her husband's a physician!!), hen her move to Ukraine for 2 years, a professional crisis, and our relocation to another state (9 hrs away). Our friendship weathered chronic office staff problems at her husband's practice, multiple medical emergencies, extended family addiction/domestic abuse. When it came to my dx, she always ha more pain, more this, more than....but she also had opioids for pain. I had NSAIDS. She had no interest or willingness to understand my health struggles/dx. So, though we worked at the same office for years (until 2021) and she and her husband drove within .2 mile of our house DAILY, neither made any effort to visit-always expecting us to drive 25 min to see them. The fact that I had an autoimmune condition and was immunocompromised due to biologics, she refused to abide by the CDC's recommendations, including refusing to get vaccinated "because I don't have a peace about it." That was the death knell. 
1. Doreen H Community Admin
 <inline-mention username="maisi" user-id="2108559"/>, That just breaks my heart. It surely sounds like that became a one-sided friendship. I'm so sorry you had to go through a relationship like that. I always say, there are "givers" and there are "takers" in this world. You should feel good about yourself as you are a true "giver" with a heart of gold. I do hope you have put that friendship behind you. Sending hugs, Doreen (Team Member)
2. maisi Member
 <inline-mention username="Doreen H" user-id="2383959"/> Your kind words stir my heart - tears of sadness couples with gratitude that you took the time to read my long post and respond with such compassionate and affirming words. You have helped remind me that there is beauty and expansiveness beyond the grief - as in the photo below. Thank you, thank you, thank you!! <img src="/content/images/2024/01/08/ac6865aa5bc74ed1d6cae4c83c170ef8_medium.jpg" alt="" class="uploaded-image"/>
CommunityMember9d9184 Member
 Steff , I was told “How’s PT going? Call me when you can walk again, I’ll take you out in my boat.” That hurt!! What if I never walk again? <inline-mention username="Steff Di Pardo" user-id="2109129"/> 
1. Steff Di Pardo Contributor
 <inline-mention username="CommunityMember9d9184" user-id="2397225"/> That is absolutely WILD that someone would even think to say that! I'm so sorry, that person is not worth your time.
CommunityMember224 Member
<inline-mention username="Steff Di Pardo" user-id="2397373"/> , I'm so sorry you had to go thru that situation. It can be so sad when a friend lets you down in such a personal way. I also went thru the loss of a 40 year friendship with a friend I grew up with and considered a sister. She returned from living in another state for years. My condition had worsened and I was not as casual about going out and about as I was then on a cane. She seemed embarrassed by my cane and irritated that I had lost mobility. That hurt a lot. To make matters worse, my friend is a Nurse Practitioner. I felt if anyone around me could understand it would be her. She eventually dropped me and I was devastated. She actually told me it had to do with the fact that I wasn't very mobile to go on a whim and she wasn't good with that. I finally had to find my own peace with it, but very sad indeed when someone you trust judges you.
leigh-c Member
Steph, I lost a lifelong best friend 9 years ago due to the sudden downturn in my health. Suddenly I was alone in a world of ever changing health issues. I mourned the loss of her friendship. I still get the urge to call her. But I don't. Our daughters had cancer (non life threatening, thank GOD) at the same time. I really just wish her well. Forgive once for you, once for her, and once for God. That is all you can do. I am so sorry you had to go through that.
CommunityMember273-aks Member
Steff, I'm sorry you had to experience this. I'd feel hurt and blindsided. Have you considered that she was overwhelmed by your suffering, felt helpless, didn't know what to do? Was at a loss? That she reached her limit in listening over and over to your very valid frustrations and for her own mental well being she needed to end the friendship?. Or perhaps she was too hurt to think of you in so much pain when there is nothing she can do to help you? Our illnesses, like it or not, do affect others around us, sometimes causing alienation. We all need a support system. Stay strong. Don't give up. But it sure does hurt to have trust broken.
James Hollens Moderator & Contributor
Hi <inline-mention username="Steff Di Pardo" user-id="2397373"/> , I'm so sorry that you went through all of this with your former friend. What they said was completely out of order and definitely a sign that they were not somebody that you need around you in your life! I had a similar fall out with a friend of mine who couldn't accept that I was refusing to go out during a pandemic and that I was overplaying my extra vulnerability to the virus because of my condition and meds. I like to think of it as a blessing in disguise though as someone who acts like that is not somebody I want around me! Hope you are doing okay, James (Community Member)
1. Steff Di Pardo Contributor
 <inline-mention username="James Hollens" user-id="2386640"/> I view it the exact same way - someone I no longer needed in my life! I'm sorry that something similar happened to you. Hope you're okay!
Lawrence Rick Phillips Moderator & Contributor
 Wow, that was harsh of your acquaintance. I am sorry that happened. I would suggest that there are many other people to friend, but that would not help much. Or maybe I could suggest that you kick something. Unfortunately, all that would do is hurt your foot. Perhaps you could scream, but that seems counterproductive. I know what I would do, I would say bye with glee....................... rick
1. Steff Di Pardo Contributor
 <inline-mention username="Rick Phillips" user-id="2389838"/> Hahaha, thank you Rick! Youre comments always make me laugh or smile. Hope you're having a great day!

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